10 Tools to Mindfully Prep for Family & Holidays
If you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.
-RAM DASS
Story
Family and the Holidays.
Notice what’s happening in your mind as you take that phrase into your full awareness. Notice the thoughts floating around. Now notice your body and any sensations developing. Finally, notice any emotions rising to the surface.
Take a big release breath and keep reading.
Everyone will have a response to those words. “Family and the holidays” will mean something different to each person. Some will have a feeling of warmth, excitement, or anticipation. Imagery may pop in of people standing around a kitchen offering hugs and snacking before a big feast, a cozy fire snuggled up with cousins under big fluffy blankets, or long walks in the woods with meaningful conversations. One of mine is all the family I never see crowded around big tables playing every type of board game and laughing until tears are streaming down.
But that’s usually not the whole story. Some will feel fear, the body tightening up, anxiety, or wariness. Imagery may pop in of arguments, being misunderstood, or tense moments between family members. There may be anxiety around religion or politics getting into the mix. There may be grief for those who are gone, or of a childhood that has ended. Old family habits and patterns might light up the body and a confusing mix of emotions may override the nervous system, activating overwhelm, fight, or flight. Some will ultimately choose to not be with family for their own self-care. And some will mourn the loss of not having a family to go to.
For many people, it will be a mix of the above. Family is complicated. “Go spend a week with your family” can also be a major growth opportunity. We use our skills, we notice how we’ve grown, we relate to our past in a healed way, and we open to new ways to love and be loved. This post is to help people who are navigating the tricky territory of family gatherings this holiday season and would like a few tools on how to mindfully prepare.
The holiday season is the busy season for my work. People I haven’t heard from in years will get on the schedule for a holiday prep session. There are often concerns about how to navigate larger family gatherings, divorced families, grief, family schedules, childhood roles, and old trauma wounds. Sometimes we’re exploring parenting issues, creating family rituals, dating during the holiday season - it’s a wide range. And a great time to be intentional about who you are and who you are becoming.
When I support people in holiday prep, we have 3 goals:
Awareness, Compassion, Planning
AWARENESS: Space to say all the things, whether you mean them or not. Raising awareness releases the stories that are controlling us. We mindfully witness the content so that we can compare it to the current situation in play and make more conscious choices.
COMPASSION: Reframing our old stories with compassion helps us to free ourselves from anxiety-provoking fear traps. We support our own worthiness and release the need to change other people. It’s the feeling of “they did the best they could with what they had” even if what they had wasn’t much. We can look at the pain people inflicted on us as a product of their own pain. Sometimes we’re the ones who caused the pain. Sometimes family actually gave us a lot of goodness, but the pain has taken over our perspective. Bringing compassion to our stories is a powerful way to support our empowered adult self and to heal old wounds.
PLAN: To go “home” you need a solid plan for self-care and working with regression. It’s normal for adults to regress to younger ages/phases of life when we’re around family. (ex. you sleep in childhood bedroom and feel 15 again) They are likely the people who watched you become human. It’s in our nature to pull from all stages of life we have known someone. The people we grew up with might relate to us from who we used to be rather than who we are today. (How many spouses I’ve heard complain about going to their partner’s hometown and they do not recognize who they are with their high school friends!) Sometimes people try to hold on to a version of the past (good, bad, beautiful or ugly) that doesn’t fit our present. A plan keeps you grounded in the midst of family and old friend chaos.
I hope you find the tools below helpful. And don’t stop here! Connect with friends, journal, do the experiment of reflecting on what you would recommend to a friend asking for advice. I’m sure there’s a lot of beautiful wisdom in there waiting for you to tap into.
Concept
Everyone deals with some level of family issues during holidays. To help this time be growth-oriented, and maybe an opportunity for healing, I offer 10 tools for creating a plan for mindfully engaging with family.
Practice
Mindfulness:
Set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes. Sit comfortably and breathe in a way that feels nourishing to your body.
As you breathe, feel your body connected to the chair or surface supporting you. Bring your awareness to your feet connecting to the floor.
When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath, the sensation of your body in the chair, or the sensation of your feet on the ground.
Close this practice by tuning into your present full adult self. It helps to call in a few moments you are proud of.
Daily Orienting Question:
Am I responding as my adult self or my child self?
Alcohol-Free Holidays
10 Tools to Mindfully Prep for Family & Holidays
1. Set Intentions
Reflect on the highest vision possible for your event or the season. Set intentions for yourself or gather your crew. Devote a dinner to ask what everyone hopes for from the holiday season. How do you/they want to feel? What are special/meaningful events, rituals, and foods that people hope for? What has gone well in the past and what are the areas you would like to avoid? I like to start by getting grounded in what kind of energy I want to center around. Ex. May I be centered in love. May I honor others and their unique story. May I remember my values and use boundaries effectively.
2. Face the Schedule
Ignoring it won’t change things. If anything, you will likely miss something important. Print the months of the holidays you participate in and map priorities, wishes, and things to avoid. Don’t forget to check in with others in your home (I’m sure they have plans too!). I take special note of things I do not want to forget, give up, or rush, like homemade hot cocoa with big fluffy marshmallows with my kid.
3. Reflect on Reality
“Last year was the best Thanksgiving ever!” Except when Aunt Bessy got drunk and started sharing conspiracy theories. Take charge of this year by reflecting on a realistic scenario. When is it fun? When does it turn toxic? What do you need? What do kids or a partner need?
4. Remember Values & Boundaries
List your top 3 values for this season. What do you need to uphold these values? If a value is sharing meaningful time with extended family, does that work better in the day or night? If a value is self-care, how do you want to handle food and alcohol? If a value is solid sleep, do you want to stay at the house with all the people or get your own hotel room? If a value is that your kids have a healthy environment, do you need to leave early (or not go at all) if people are participating in unhealthy behaviors? If a value is respect, is there someone who is historically disrespectful and you need to be ready for that? Boundaries are an act of love. They are the limits we set to protect our needs (and if you have kids, their needs). They reflect our values and how we hold a larger vision for our lives. They also help us wake up feeling good the next day.
5. Release Expectations
Wouldn’t it be amazing if (fill in the blank with person) finally had that heart-to-heart and took responsibility for all they did to me? Or what if we’re all around the dinner table and people actually ask me a question about my life, my work, my passions?! Sigh. We can burn a lot of energy wishing people would show up the way we need them to. Despite Netflix, holidays are likely not the time people will wake up to their best selves. If anything, we double down on old habits and insecurities (unless you work on these tools). This work involves first noticing your expectations (hopes, desires, needs, wants) and reflecting on what is realistic. You might notice conversations or meaningful actions you would like to plan for another time.
6. Give What You Want to Receive
We all want to be loved. We all want to be seen, heard, and valued. All that good stuff you’re hoping for works both ways. It’s amazing what can open up when we come from a place of love and connection rather than defensiveness. I promise you aren’t the only one with mixed feelings about family gatherings. Research shows that when we open to others with compassion and kindness then we actually help our own mental health!
7. Establish Self-Care
What would feel good? With more demand, we need more care. Make a list of self-care that you know works for you. Make sure restorative practices are on the schedule, as well as grounding, energizing, calming, and release practices. Plan how you will integrate a few of these into time away from your home and usual routine. It may feel hard to leave the party for a nice walk, but it will be worth it for your overall sanity. Special note to think about food and alcohol. Often this is a trouble spot for families. I’ve heard tons of stories where “getting wasted” seems to be a fond memory. But is it really? I’ve also heard how the most offensive and hurtful things happen when people are drunk. You have control over this kind of vulnerability and how you want to feel.
8. Do Not Take the Bait / Do Not Poke the Bear
Self-explanatory to an extent….You likely know where the trouble topics are, the vulnerable spaces for people, the secrets, the past mistakes, or sometimes the family traumas. When people haven’t done growth-work, then they might be more apt to bait us into old habits, patterns, and ways of being. Growing up in the South, I remember people saying they would “get their goat.” Often this is unconscious behavior that is fear or anxiety-driven. We can walk away and not play that game. You don’t have to launch into a fight over politics or explain yourself with religion. You can say, “No thanks. I’m not here to talk about that.” And move on.
9. Make Plans with Chosen Family
Remember the family, biological and non-biological, we choose to be with. Holidays are meant to be a sacred time of celebrating our love for each other and the world. No matter the originating traditions, they are times set aside to help us remember the awe and wonder of being human. Plan friends-givings, celebratory dinners, gift-exchange parties, anything with those who bring joy to your life. Review your bucket list for the season and invite people to join in what you want to happen.
10. Remember Your Skills
Your empowered, present-moment, adult self knows what to do. You have many skills for working with challenging family situations if you so choose. Take some time to journal or talk with a loved one about how far you’ve come, how much you’ve grown, and how proud you are of all the beautiful work you’ve done. Prep helps us stay grounded but recovery is also a great idea. Plan some space in the days following events for some decompression/restore your system time. My hiking day is already scheduled. :)
Additional Tool! Here is a client favorite from my Mindful Partnering Coaching Program. While designed for partners, you can use this with any relationship.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and found a few helpful tools. Please remember that this site is for your own information and is not a substitute for any professional services, including coaching, therapy, and psychiatric services. No blog or article can do that. Holidays can be tough. If you or someone you know needs mental health support, check out Mental Health Lou website for local Louisville and National resources. Full website disclaimer at bottom of the page. Thank you!